SNAP!!!

I always knew I was short tempered. I knew only too well that the slightest provocation could put me off in a really bad way. But I did not quite understand the gravity of one’s inability to hold your head when everyone all around you is losing theirs. And realize I did, today.
I guess it was the pressure of having to leave in two weeks’ time. Or maybe it was the fact that I was going to be away for a whole year. Whatever the reason, I successfully broke my own record of snapping at five people in less than three hours. It is not very pleasant to think and reason out why you did get mad in the first place. But after much contemplation, I decided that it was a combination of multiple factors + plain old me that wrecked havoc.
It hurts terribly when you scream and argue for nothing with someone you love. Things would have been so much better had I only remained calm and tried to put myself in the other’s shoes. But that is not something that comes easy. When someone yells at you, all you can think of in five seconds flat is how do I get even? And even before you realize it, you end up screaming your head off. Sounds familiar??? That is the case with most of us. The best way to keep from snapping is not to argue / counter-argue. Now, I really wonder if that is possible. Worth trying, anyway!!!

How is it ever possible that the human mind can race with thoughts at one moment and simultaneously feel blank???

Cycle of life

Wake up at six to catch the cab at seven. Sleep for an hour and a half in the cab. Reach Mahindra World City. Enter access card. Enter elevator. Enter RNTBCI. Get to workstation. Switch on the system. Log in to outlook. Log in to gmail. Log out of both. Begin work for the day. Coffee Break. Resume work. Lunch Break. Back to work. Tea Break. Work again. Finally, the hour to leave has come. Check work output for the day. Maintain a steady 10 pages. Try to achieve the ideal of 12. Chuck it. Head straight home. This journey takes about two hours. Dinner. Crash !!!!! Oh no ! Set your alarm for six. Drift back to sleep.

???

I feel strange. I wrote the last paper of my MA today.
I am supposed to feel happy that I’ve finished all my exams, feel thrilled because I’ve accomplished a certain purpose, feel thankful because I’ve a job to look forward to. Instead, I feel none of this. I feel sad and empty inside.
Sad that I will soon have to leave this place which has been more than home to me for the last two years, disappointed that I may not be studying French for quite a while from now.
It really is funny how life takes its turns and twists.

The magic of poetry : Revisited

I’ve always liked poetry. Not that I have ever written a single poem nor will I ever write. But there is something about that genre which warms the soul like no other. The words kinda touch you and though the lines may soon be forgotten, the imagery still dances in your head evoking memories, scenes and even smells.
I am doing one paper on French Poetry. I have really appreciated French Poetry or studied it in such depth. As a child, I have come first in every recitation competition that I have taken part in. I have loved learning verses and sonnets. Some of them I still do remember, most of them lie forgotten. But I have never formally learnt poems in French.
And so it was, as part of the lecture on introduction to rythme and rime in the writing of poetry, we were doing Verlaine’s Chanson d’automne. That really was something. After we’d read it a couple of times, the lines just stuck in my head. And voila, there Iwas actually reciting a poem in French. I have treasured that moment. I never thought there would be a point in my life when I could recite a poem in French. And am thrilled to say the least. I am raring to go. I hope to be able to recite twenty poems (in French) by the end of the semester.

Let me be

I have had enough…. Seriously…. More than just enough… Into my second year of my Master’s…. I’ve been in an education system since 1989… And I’ve had enough… I am not trying to say I have had enough of education…. Nor that am uninterested in pursuing my so called education…. But I’ve simply had enough of every single teacher telling me that I do not work hard enough. Laszy, casual, laid back, full of potential (but unwilling to work), work-shy… this sure will be one endless list. Every possible adjective has been used on me.

Why are my teachers so unfair in what they have to say about me? I sometimes wonder if the whole lot of them have conspired against me ? Not that I personally have anything against any of my teachers. I love and respect all of them ( of course, some more than the others). I do know and understand that what they tell me should eventually help in building me up. I know that none of them is spiteful. Yet, it gets to me. I have heard the same thing over and over and over for the last eighteen years. I have been to four different institutions, taken a wide range of subjects but at the end of every course, all I get to hear is “You know, Asha, you have it in you. But you don’t bother to work hard.”“Excuse me, have what??? And if I do have it, why would I choose to be lazy???” . Now, I must admit that I have been plain lazy several times. But c’mon, I do work as well, when I ought to.

After a while this kind of talk wrecks you. I have begun to ask myself where am I heading? What is all this in aid of? Am I really that casual about everything? Does not my future concern me? There have been times (a lot of them), when I have put in a lot of hard work and not got the kind of results that people expect of me. Ah ! there lies the crux of this issue. I have no expectations or aspirations for myself. I am extremely content to be living at this period in time. I have been blessed with everything that I could possible ask for. I do not see the need to be somebody I do not in any case want to be. So just please let me be.